I got Invisalign braces, here’s what I’ve learnt

“You know what Ali, if I had the spare cash I’d get your teeth sorted out.”

It was late 2015 and I was chewing a mouthful of spag bol when my mum let me know she thought I had shit teeth.

I finished my mouthful and had a look for myself. I noticed for the first time (cheers mum) that indeed my upper-left lateral was creeping slightly forward.

I let my mum know that it wasn’t a very nice thing to say and she said that no one else would notice and she didn’t mean to upset me. But as time went on the tooth inched further forward, to the point where other people had started to notice it. Then the bloody upper-right lateral started to get involved so my mum and I agreed it was time to take action.

Because she basically started it my mum said she would go halvsies with me on braces. I got an Invisalign retainer fitted last week, here’s what I’ve learnt:

They are actually invisible

I plonked myself next to Ralph on Saturday after having not seen him for 3 weeks because I’ve been on holiday and I asked if he noticed anything different about my face and he said “You have an air of real smugness about you.” Completely missed the braces.

You can’t eat with them in

You can’t chew with a plastic retainer over your teeth so this means that you can’t snack… OR I can learn how to swallow snacks whole. Tried this with a Dorito yesterday and almost passed out. This is good news for my beach bod. Or is it…

I must schedule in feeding hours

Every time I eat I need to take the aligner out, put it to one side, eat and then afterwards brush and floss my teeth before putting the brace back in. They need to be in for 22 hours a day so I only have 2 hours a day to feed.

This means that meal-times are both a treat and what can only be described as a culinary-stampede. I’ve found that I panic-eat basically everything I possibly can knowing that I won’t be able to eat again for 5 whole hours unless I swallow snacks whole. Not so good for my beach bod when I find myself inhaling a log of Vienetta right after a morning fry-up.

You can’t even drink coffee with them in

If I drink coffee with them in they’ll stain the attachments I have on my teeth and I’ll look like Shane MacGowan of The Pogues. I draw the line at removing them when I drink alcohol though because if I did that I’d never have them in lol amiright

My dates don’t find it attractive when I remove my aligners in front of them

??? Weird

If you’re thinking of getting Invisalign, these are my key learnings. They’re a pain in the arse basically but probably quite good if you want to go on a diet or if you want to learn how to swallow snacks whole.

Originally published on nofilterzine.com

London born, Berlin based club culture & nightlife writer

London born, Berlin based club culture & nightlife writer